Mammoth rants, Marian rants, hey, it’s all good, right?

Today’s topic is very important, and most of you have probably been affected by it in one way or another, possibly traumatically. Reading this rant might just change your life forever.

Or… not.

I’m talking, of course, about dogs, and dogs that own people. You have seen them. You have probably been annoyed by them, just as I was 2 days ago. It started innocently, with me taking the trash out. I got almost to the end of the driveway, when I notice in the neighbors yard, running as fast as it’s short little stumpy legs would carry it, a small dog. Looking surprisingly similar to the RCA dog. Not only did it seem to find some offence in my taking the trash out, it took so much offence that it came out in the road and almost to our driveway, and unleashed a barrage of “rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf! rarf!” This, of course, is why you are supposed to carry high powered assault rifles with you at all times. It is not to deal with criminals, Communist invasions, or Godzilla. It is to take great pleasure in putting these damn small annoying dogs out of their misery.

But wait, it gets better! How about dogs that run around your property, going “bark bark bark bark bark!” and leaving little annoying piles of dog crap to step in? Or dogs that seem to think it’s the best fun in the world to run right beside your car, risking certain death if you swerve just a little.

Or how about the dogs with pet people? Like people who cannot go ANYWHERE without their (5) dogs. Who put them in the front seat with them when they go driving, and constantly pay attention to them to the possible exclusion of the road. Or the people who put them, even worse, in the back of their damn pickup trucks and barrel down the highway at 70 mph. I dunno about them, but if I was a dog, and some guy did that to me, I’d bite his freaking leg off. It gets cold up here going 70 mph on the highway. I know, I’ve sat in the back of pickups before.

And before I forgot, I need to mention people with really freaking large dogs that refuse to keep control of them. One of the most terrifying instances of my life was once in 7th grade when a me and a friend of mine got off the bus to see like 4 dogs camped in my driveway, all them large, and one of them a really big St. Bernard. To have to sneak around them to get to my own house REALLY pisses me off.

So, in conclusion, get a cat.